<span class="dojodigital_toggle_title">10,000 days of TOOLism</span>

I met an asian woman who is a 2nd bass player in TOOL. I asked “How come we’ve never heard about you?” She said “cos it’s TOOL”. And then i woke up.

– Me

 what would Freud says about this ?

– Manon

He would definitely say (while vaping weed, lying on a leopard couch and wearing Billie Eilish’ neon green outfit including a “lime wake up balaclava” by Fashion Criminal):
“Well, of course, a typical case of a TOOL Neurosis! A mental illness that is caused by a 10-13 year lack of TOOL’s new music in a patient’s life. Throughout this period a patient develops a sort of a musical anxiety, a TOOL anxiety.
Just like a drug addict agonies because of abstinence from drugs, a so-called “Every TOOL fan”, also known as “Ænimal”, feels an increasing and a tremendous amount of pain in his “third eye” as time passes without new TOOL songs.
Depending on a patient’s psyche and age it is possible to notice the early symptoms of a TOOL Neurosis, some of which are:
1. An excessive worrying about time signatures. All music except TOOL’s feels simple and stale without shifting rhythms.
2. An occasional Latinisation and TOOLisation of everyday words. A patient seeks comfort in imagining the titles of the new TOOL album or/and songs. For example, something simple like “a cat” can become “Catus Vulgaris”.
3. Fibonaccism. After listening to Lateralus and discovering that the number of syllables per line in the lyrics correspond to the arrangement of the Fibonacci numbers, a patient develops a constant frustration of not finding a Fibonacci Sequence in songs of other musicians.
However, it is really easy to miss these symptoms as in the eyes of a society an Ænimal is viewed simply as a music nerd.
One of the most dangerous aspects of a TOOL Neurosis is that it has an ability of spreading just like a virus, but in the given case, it is a musical mental virus or simply called a “MuMeme”. A contagious patient being unaware of his state, unconsciously spreads the knowledge about the awesomeness of the TOOL’s music and therefore infects more people. Luckily, Mother Nature is on our side, as the majority of a population has a natural immunity simply called “I don’t give a fuck about TOOL” or/and don’t have a certain musical intelligence required to recognise the awesomeness of TOOL.
The TOOL Neurosis eventually manifests itself with the release of the new TOOL album. A patient being deprived from TOOL’s music for years, experience a sort of catharsis similar to an orgasm upon hearing the new album. With the help of modern technology a patient dedicates all his time – consciously and unconsciously – to listening to the TOOL’s new album. In the mind of a patient, a proper listening of the TOOL’s music can answer many life-changing questions and in certain cases could even lead to a spiritual transcendence.
Without proper care, a patient diagnosed with a TOOL Neurosis can start losing touch with reality and ultimately disappear in TOOLness or simply called “to lose shit”.
On the bright side, I have developed a certain treatment of this disease and, by all means, it IS a disease!
I propose a musical lobotomy: depending on the phase of a disease, a certain amount of “music hours” is prescribed to a patient. Noncompulsory or compulsorily, a patient listens to the songs of Taylor Swift non-stop until the patient is not able to recognise good music, looses any signs of good taste and eventually “doesn’t five a FUCK about TOOL”.
I have to confess that with the help of TOOL I improved my theory of psychosexual development. Among five stages of a development – which are Oral, Anal, Latency and Genital – there is a sixth and the final one, the TOOL stage. The TOOL stage encompasses all the stages and at the same time exists outside the stage concept, it is “what is” and “what is not” at the same time, a “prison sex” and an “asexual liberty”. Further research is needed, despite the long process. I’m conducting research without actually listening to TOOL as I am afraid to infect myself and becoming an Ænimal.
Unfortunately, despite finding a cure, I am worried about our future. The parents who are listening to the new TOOL album at the moment, are involuntarily affecting their children and in 20 years, when they eventually become adults, TOOL will release their next album. The mass hysteria coming from the old and the new generation of Ænimals will collide like massive waves between two oceans creating a mega-wave.
I’m afraid of what might happen, it might cause a human extinction, it would be a TOOLsday.
That’s my take on this case. Peace out, bitches!”

– Me

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

8 + 1 =